Our Journey... Part Four

Since writing our first post we have had so many awesome responses AND we even got featured on the Orange City FertilityCare Center's Facebook Page!  You guys are all so amazing and thank you so much for all of the beautiful stories and messages you have sent our way!  

We are so blessed by all of you!

So we are still in our mode of waiting... We are kind of getting good at it actually! 

Ok that is a lie, I am still not very good at it, but my hubby is patient enough for both of us somedays!  Through all of this process even though all of the testing, treatment, talk, all of it, has been about me, I have not actually done anything, mentally, to prepare myself for it all.  I tell myself that I am ready to feel better, I just want it to be over, It is fine, we are fine, it's all good...  But inside I am a complete mess.  I know that this is a burden on us financially, I know that this is going to be hard on my business depending on what we find out, I know that it has been tough on my husband and family emotionally,  I know that my changes I have made in my diet are difficult for my friends to understand, I know, I know, I know.... All of these things are weighing on me and all the oils in the world aren't helping me sleep without thinking about it all.  What if this or what if that?  Why can't I be like this person or that person?  Why us and why not us?  I needed something to help me figure my life out.

I read a book about a year or so ago called Oola: Find Balance in and Unbalanced World.   Since then I have been in love with the concepts in the book and have followed their plan to help find my balance, but the follow through has always been less than stellar!  I had the opportunity last weekend to go to an event called Oolapalooza in Minneapolis and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I wasn't going to go, but the hubby told me I was going, no matter what.  So I went, and he was right.  I needed this more than any other time in my life.  I believe that God works in a very strategic way.  Like a wonderful woman said today "I truly believe that there are no coincidences in life... EVER".  God had this planned all along, he knew that in order for me to have the strength to get through all of this, I needed a plan...  This weekend I made my plan. 

I learned so much about myself and how we all lie to ourselves on a daily basis.  We are not fine, I am not fine, I am angry, I am judgmental, I am not always a good friend, I am terrible at anything related to finances and I put it off like the plague, I am full of guilt for not wanting the type of business that others make me feel like I should have, I feel guilty because I can't make my husband a wonderful father and have to drag him through all of this along with it,  I am carrying so much crap... plain and simple.  There you all have it!  That is me, in a nutshell.  I am a mess, but you know what?  I also have a plan.  I know what I have to do to get out of that mess and get where I want to be for me, for us, and for our future family.  This weekend taught me that this is just where you are, not WHO you are.  I know that I deserve better and those around me deserve better.  

So how does this relate to this situation right now?  Well, it gave me a sense of control where I sort of feel like I don't have any.  My surgery is scheduled for October 6, but that is about the only thing that is certain right now.  I have to have a pre-op ultrasound the day before and based on the measurements of the follicle, that will determine our schedule for our Ultrasound Series.  This will be a series of daily ultrasounds to watch my ovaries and follicles to make sure that I am ovulating and to watch for that dang PCOS diagnosis that they also gave me.  So for the daily ultrasounds, I have to go to Omaha to have them done, that is where my Type A personality wants to know right now when they are and so I can schedule my life around the 5 hour round trip each visit... The other uknown is how significant the Endo is.  This is completely unknown until they actually do the procedure.  Will they be able to get it all at this time? Will I have to return for a robotic surgery in the near future to remove the rest of the endo?  Is the PCOS worse than I am thinking and we need to do something about that as well?  They found on my lab results that I have an underactive thyroid as well (which again, in my head I already knew this!) so what do we do about that?  My labs show  I have low progesterone during my cycle, this could very well be the actual reason for the miscarriage and the endo had nothing to do with it... what do we do about that?   

Again, Patience Melissa... I can hear my husband saying it in my ear as I type! Ha!  

Here is a crazy thing about Endo, symptoms don't always mean crap!  You could have a minuscule amount of endo and have some of the worst pain, extremely heavy cycles, you name it you got it kind of symptoms.  BUT you could also have extensive endo, for example lesions on your colon, adhesions between organs, or even on areas such as your lungs or brain, and have MINIMAL SYMPOMS, with a NORMAL CYCLE!  This is also one of the reasons that it takes so long to be diagnosed!  It reminds me of when I had kidney stones years ago.  Let me tell you, that is some serious pain!!!  But when they removed the stone and showed me how tiny it was, it almost made you angry that it was so small, bc the symptoms you had were so big!  Each body is different and your inflammatory response to the Endo is also different.  Some women's only symptom is infertility.  Some women were diagnosed with IBS, but it was Endo.  I read a testimony of a woman that would get a seizure every time she would have her period because the endo had spread to her brain (which is extremely rare by the way!)   In a way it kind of puts things in perspective that it could be much worse, but it also reminds you that this is your one body you are given in this lifetime, and it is yours.  These are your cards you've been dealt.  How you play them is your choice.  

I had to make a goal this weekend that if you could accomplish one thing and everything else would start to fall into place, what would it be.  But the bigger question in that goal was, what is keeping you from accomplishing it?   My goal was to overcome this and become a mom.  However that is meant to happen for me.  What is keeping you from it?  Some of that answer is uncontrollable, but the scary part of it IS under my control.  Fear... Anger... Guilt... All those same things that I said earlier, I have allowed them to get in the way of this process.   What if it doesn't work?  What if because I was on the pill for so long, I did this to myself?  What if I am a terrible mom?  What if this is Karma?  I realized that the reason that I can't completely be at ease in this is because I have allowed my head to speak louder than my faith.  There is always something bigger at play.  It was no coincidence that my surgery was scheduled for almost a week after this event.  It was no coincidence that this was also happening right around the time that I would've given birth to our baby.  This was all planned as part of this journey.  I needed to accept that this is where we are and that there is a bigger plan.  But I also needed to remember that this Endo Journey is just where I am, it is not WHO I am. 

If you are going through something please remember that, no matter what it is, it does not have to define who you are as a person.  The only thing that can do that is YOU.  What are you going to let define you?  I refuse to let this be me.  I am better than that.  God believes in me more than that and I know that without our miscarriage or any of the other things along the way, we wouldn't be here.  I wouldn't be writing this and hearing from women EVERYWHERE that are also going through the same things.  Be grateful and have faith... That is something that has stuck with me from the first time I read the Oola book and always will.  No matter what you are going through in your life, 

be grateful and have faith.  

Next week is surgery week,  I am ready.  I've got this, whatever they find.  

Want to know more about Oola?

Check out their website www.oolalife.com  

Their mission is to simply change the world with a word.  

We do this by making us better as individuals, and as we become better, our families 

become better, our communities become better, and the world becomes better. 

Oola is a state of awesomeness, I will get there... I am on my way. 

Our Journey... Part Three

Wow!  I have had such an amazing response from so many of you readers!  

It truly makes my heart happy!  I feel that I need to find something in this journey 

that has meaning, and I am starting to believe that my meaning is to help spread

awareness and hope for many other women going through similar situations.

You aren't crazy.  I tell people everyday in my office that you know 

your body better than anyone else could ever expect to... trust it. 

I know that some of you have been hanging on the edge of your seats for part 3, so here goes! lol!

Ok, so where was I?   Oh yeah... I knew... 

I walked out of the appointment and my head was spinning.  I was sad, distraught, confused, and most of all angry.  I told myself when I did this blog that I wasn't going to sugarcoat any of it.  So I should say that I was seriously PISSED.   I wasn't angry with Dr. Hanson at all, for the first time I had found a doctor that was honest and real, as well as more caring than any other I had ever met.  I was angry because I knew.  I knew that I had endometriosis.  I had known it for years and just took the doctors words for it.  I had almost all of the symptoms.

Now remember, most of these symptoms fall under a category that we all call PMS.  I would like to say that I truly believe that PMS is NOT NORMAL!  I believe that it is a symptom of underyling issues, most often hormone imbalances.  Also remember that most of these symptoms are occurring constantly during a woman's month, but they are exacerbated when they get their period.  Let me tell you, YOU AREN'T CRAZY.  The cramps are real and they are severe, the headaches are there, the mood swings, the extremely heavy flow, the food cravings, the skin rashes... all of it is real.  I remember wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out.  A cold, dark, quiet hole that served Excedrin as needed.  I believe you, I feel sorry for you, and I hope that you can have enough strength to not take "it's normal" as your answer anymore.  You deserve better.

So what exactly is Endometriosis anyway?  Why should we care?  Never heard of it?  

That is why we should care!  

This IS a big deal!  10 years on average for a diagnosis?!  This shouldn't be happening!

Sorry guys, don't want to sound "sexist" but if this was happening to men, we would be all over it!

Why is this not a big deal?  Why are we, as women, continually told to repress our bodies?  That our bodies will continually let us down and cause us pain, and that is just normal?

I don't relieve it and I refuse to take that as an answer any longer!

NO CURE... That is so incredibly scary.

But, we do have options and that brings us to now...

So here we are.  Waiting.  6 months I thought would be forever, but it has gone so quickly.  During that time, we continued to chart and to meet with Kari to go over what we were finding.  Also during this time we were talking with Pope Paul VI in Omaha regarding preparing for surgery.  They were extremely helpful and thorough, making sure we understood what to expect as per the surgery as well as the costs.  They let us know what things are likely not going to be covered by insurance and why (I could write a whole post on how our insurance industry is letting women down in this country, but I will save that for sometime when I have nothing else to write about! ha!)  

We also got a name for our doctor,  Dr. Pakiz.  I have heard wonderful things about her from other women who have worked with her.  As much as I loved Dr. Hanson, I am so happy to have a woman to doctor with.  Personally it makes me more comfortable.  After signing our lives away for surgery we also had to do our Complete Hormone Panel lab draws, he had to do his thing (you all know what that is) again, and at this very moment we are awaiting the start of my new cycle to begin our trips to Omaha for our Ovulation Daily Ultrasound Series.  We are hoping that it will fall during the time we are in Omaha for Surgery.   OH!  I just realized, I never told you all the date of the surgery!  OCTOBER 6!  It feels surreal!  I has come so quickly, but yet also at the perfect time for me to wrap my head around what is happening and to prepare our lives for some time away from work.  Both of us owning our own businesses makes it very difficult to be away at the same time, but John just keeps telling me not to worry, he has it all figured out.  Ok, I trust you ;)  

So like I said before, NO CURE. Here is where our surgery comes in. NaPro Technology's website states that "surgical removal of endometriosis carries with it the best chance for success, both in terms of pain relief and in subsequent pregnancies. However, if the surgeon is not adequately trained to be able to provide a good surgical approach which will remove the endometriosis while preventing subsequent adhesions, the chances for success are quite limited." NaPro Technology gives us that trained surgeon. They use what is known as Near Contact Laparoscopy. This allows them to see the most minute Endo that regular laparoscopy would very likely miss. They also use an excision technique that not only removes the surface lesions, but removes the lesions deep into the tissue while reducing the risk of adhesions and recurrence. 

 I will be having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and hysterosalpingogram performed on the 6th. They can not tell me the severity of my Endo until after the surgery is complete. It is not able to be seen on ultrasound, films, or even pelvic exams. This surgery will determine if there is need for further surgery (if the endo is extensive...) and also if there is anything else to be concerned about relating to my uterus and fallopian tubes. Oh and did I forget to mention that they take a video of the entire surgery? During our follow-up with Dr. Pakiz, she will walk us through the surgery and explain everything that they see and do!

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE WAITED 6 MONTHS!

Is there still risk of it returning? Yes.

Am I afraid of not knowing what they are going to find? Oh lord yes.

Do I have faith that no matter what, we are in the right place? yes, YeS, and more YES.

So now we do just a little bit more waiting. 

My husband says I need to learn patience, so maybe there is something else to learn from all of this...

To be continued... yet again!

Our Journey... Part Two.

Even with all of those feelings I was having, I was also determined to follow my heart.  I was determined to get myself well and find out what was really going on in my body.  I felt that the road we were on was not working and there had to be a better way...  A better journey...

Determined... that is exactly what I was.  I was not going to lie down and give up, nor was I going to sit back and ride the ride.  I needed to feel like I was in control and that my doctor wanted to figure out the cause of my concerns as much as I did.  

After our miscarriage, we had a follow-up with our OB.  We were very devastated and at a complete loss for where to go next.  We felt as though this was an everyday occurrence to him.  I do not say that to sound angry with him, but I do say it because I feel that this IS something our doctors are seeing so often that they start to also become numb to the pain of what their patients are feeling.  He basically said he was sorry, we should return for a follow-up in a month or so, and that they would call me with my lab results (I requested to have a full thyroid panel performed as well as a full hormone panel run).  He also told us that we had two options to think about, we could go back on the Clomid or we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist...  Seriously?  Those are our only options?  Clomid... the drug that made me a crazy person and did NOT help us get pregnant.  Or a referral to a doctor that was likely going to discuss IVF as the next option even though we had just recently gotten pregnant on our own?  

I was confused, my husband was frustrated, and we were both done... There had to be something better.  There had to be some kind of reason for what was going on and someone willing to help us figure it out.  We both knew that even if we did get pregnant and have a healthy child, my cycles and body were still a far cry from normal.  We decided to find another option... I scoured journal articles, blogs, websites, threads, and anything I could find.  I was looking at local hospitals that had OB care and came across one not far from us.  Orange City Area Health System.  They had a phenomenal OB wing of their hospital and I had many recommendations to see them.  I just wasn't sure they were going to be any different.  Then I found it.  I found Orange City FertilityCare Center.  I started looking through their facebook posts and read about NaPro Technology,  all this time I just felt that this was it! This is what we have been looking for!   "Treating underlying conditions to help naturally enhance a woman's fertility."  I told my husband about it and he said to make an appointment, let's do this.  We were feeling a glimmer of hope before we even made the appointment.  I messaged them and made an appointment for the next month.

I didn't really know what to expect, but I was hopeful.  We met with our Creighton Model Practitioner and learned everything that you should ever need to know about the female and male reproductive system.  The hubby was thrilled haha!  But you know me, that kind of stuff doesn't phase me in the least.  We did both comment that it is something they should be teaching in schools for Sex Ed instead of teaching about Birth Control and Condoms.  There were so many things that I didn't even know about as an adult, and had I known these things when I was 12 years old I truly believe I would be on a whole different journey today!  We learned about how the birth control pill actually works... let me tell you, NEVER AGAIN.  Morally, ethically, NO, it is definitely not for us.  After our introductory class we were given homework to read before our next visit.  This was homework to help teach us how to chart our cycles.  You heard that right, OUR CYCLES.  Something that really resonated with me and I remember very vividly is when she talked about how this is OUR FERTILITY, not mine, not his. OURS.  Without my husband I am infertile, without me he is infertile, we are only able to be fertile when joined together.  We were in this together and both carry the responsibilities on this journey.  I stinking LOVE THAT!  Seriously!  I mean how true is that?!  

At our first class after the intro session, we met with Kari.  She has been our lifesaver on this journey.  We are so incredibly lucky to have met her and have her teaching us.  This is when we starting learning to chart our cycle.  Now, this is going to sound a little scary to some of you, but I was ready, whatever I have to do I am in!  With the Creighton Model you learn to chart your cervical mucus.  Yep, you read that right, say it with me... cervical mucus... it isn't really as scary as it sounds.  I mean come on ladies, every time you go to the bathroom you wipe, now you just have to wipe before AND after as well as look at the tissue to determine what it looks like.  They teach you what each thing you see means and how to chart it.  It is a lot to learn at first, but it has become habit and I don't often have to even think about it.  We were told that after a few cycles of charting we would be able to get an idea of what was going on inside my body.  Not only will we learn that, but we will also know when is the best and worst times to get pregnant based on your chart.  This can also be used when trying to NOT achieve pregnancy!  Also, guess what?  ZERO SIDE EFFECTS of this form of "birth control."  I hate to call it that, because it really is not that, but it an essence it is!  When done correctly it has over 99% success rates!  I was shocked that I didn't even know about this!  Why are they not teaching this to young women?!  The pill teaches us nothing, but gives us a "sense" of security.  With Creighton Model, you are in control of your reproductive health!  Not only that, you are able to see so much more information about your body than you would normally see!  

OK OK, I promise to do a post about charting and what it is, and all that jazz, but back to our journey!

We charted for I believe 2 months and had a referral to see a Napro Certified Physician at Orange City Hospital.  This is it, this is what we have been waiting for... I was so nervous that day we walked into the room.  What is he going to say?  What does my chart say?  What does it all mean?  John, my husband, was there with me, but I could tell he was also nervous.  Dr. Hanson had a copy of my chart and all of my health history information.  He came in and I was immediately at ease.  He was so incredibly caring, we need more physicians like him!  We honestly thought that we were going to start progesterone testing because from what we saw on the chart, I had low progesterone.  This would be an "easy fix", take progesterone to get your levels up, will help regulate your cycles and also help decrease chances of miscarriage.  The wind came out of our sails rather quickly when Dr. Hanson uttered three words... Endometriosis and Surgical Referral...  I didn't know what to say... He said based on my charting and my symptoms he is sure that I have endometriosis and possibly PCOS. 

Now what?  

Well... then came the rest of it... 6 month wait for surgery...

Can we go anywhere else sooner? We will drop everything and just go!  But his answer was real and honest.  No.  Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha is the best of the best and there is nowhere else he would recommend.  If I was his wife or daughter he would say the same thing... ok, Omaha it is.  I sat there with tears in my eyes and the rest of the appt was much a blur.  He talked to me about things I needed to do prior to surgery to help.  He talked about diet changes to help with the inflammation, don't gain weight or it will get worse, but losing weight could help the symptoms... He gave us hope amidst my sadness.  I mean come on people, I KNEW that thinking progesterone was the only problem was a shot in the dark.  I knew that there was more to it.  And I also wasn't that surprised when he said endometriosis.  I knew, I had asked my doctors for YEARS if that is what it could be and they all gave me the same answer... No Way.  Just stay on the pill, it'll fix your problem... mmhmm... yep... I just did what they said, like I was a puppet on a string.   

I knew...  Dang It... (to be continued... again...)

Life is a Journey... and it ain't always pretty

Well, I look back and I have not been here since 2014!  

Life has definitely flown by in the last few years!  

Just a little update on our lives:

•  I am still at my office and truly love my passion for helping people get well.
• I still am a Wildtree Representative and love using their products daily in our kitchen.
• I am also still a Young Living Distributor but more than that, I am an Oil Addict...
• John is now the owner of his own business and keeping very busy.
• Jack and Penny are still driving us crazy on a daily basis and are still escape artists!
• We are on an infertility journey that we never expected to be on.  That is where we start...

Over the next few weeks I will be writing regarding what has brought us to this point, 

but today I want to begin with May 2015...

This is the day that I decided I wanted to take control of my own fertility... or so I thought.  I had been having a lot of female related problems for years, but they had gotten much worse over the past few months.  I remember having a period so heavy and intense that when my husband came home from work I was sitting in the chair in a complete daze.  He was worried, said I was incredibly pale and for him to worry was the last draw for me.  I made an appointment the next day to see my doctor.  

I met with  my doctor, who referred me to another physician and so the fertility journey begins.  I was informed that I had 2 options, become pregnant or go on birth control (again).  I knew that I would not be going back on BC, after so many years of being on it and the horrible effects it had on my mood, I just couldn't do it again.  I also felt that it just wasn't the right thing for me.  We had also been trying for quite some time to get pregnant but to no avail.  I was tracking my temps, ovulation, and my symptoms like a hawk, but something wasn't right.  I was not ovulating... at least not when I was "supposed" to be according to my charting (more on that another time!).  My doctor decided that I should try Clomid, so we did.  We jumped through the hoops, just like anyone else would feeling like this is your only shot at the one thing that you want more than anything else in the world.  Let me tell you though, Clomid is not for the faint of heart.  It made me angry, I mean really angry, depressed, uncomfortable in my own skin, my hair fell out, my face broke out, my body was a disaster, and I gained 12 lbs in the first 2 months.  I have not considered myself "overweight" until my doctor decided to put me on a different medication on month 4, because I was now in a higher BMI bracket.  (Due to the Clomid mind you!!!)  We did all of the meds as directed for 4 months.  Did they work? Technically Yes!  But ultimately NO, because they were not treating any cause, just effects.  Did I ovulate, Yes.  Did I get pregnant, No.  Were the side effects worth it? In my mind, for me. No. 

After month 4 I just couldn't do it any longer.  I had this feeling in my gut that there was something else going on.  The fact that I am not ovulating at 32 years old was not ok with me.  I also was not ok with believing that my heavy periods, intense cramps, constipation, diarrhea, and mood swings (to name a few) were "normal."  I just wasn't buying it.  As a woman, I knew my body and knew that there was something else going on that was not being addressed.  So we took a break to get healthy again.  I did a lot of research and started taking better care of myself again.  I was eating right, taking some supplements to help enhance my fertility and I was continuing my charting.   

We get through the holidays, which was NOT easy on my diet, let me tell you!  But I was determined to prove my doctor wrong, to prove that I could get pregnant without Clomid.  And guess what?!  We did!  We got pregnant in December.  I remember taking the first test, I always took them, but honestly never knew when I was considered "late" since my cycles were so abnormal.  I glanced at it as I went to throw it away (I just assumed it was negative like every other one) and holy moly, it was positive!  It was only faint, but it was there!  I waited a few days and did it again.  POSITIVE!  I was so excited, and scared, and more excited.  We both were!  I was right, I didn't need the medications, I could do this!  Then everything changed in a few short weeks...

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I started spotting... waited a day for it to stop, but it didn't.  Called the doctor, he wanted an ultrasound that day, we went in and they confirmed that we were indeed pregnant!  Spotting can be normal in some pregnancies is what we were told, but if it gets worse to call.  Well this was Friday and by Sunday it was definitely worse.  I was in a lot of pain and the bleeding was intense.  Visited the doctor again on Monday and my HCG levels were dropping.  Needless to say, the doctor tried to be optimistic, but I knew... I just knew this was a miscarriage.  I was so devastated.  I cried constantly for days.  Everything we wanted, gone... we felt jipped.  You have all of those questions...  Why me?  What did we do wrong?  What happened?  Why Why Why? I still feel all those questions.  I would have been due September 14.  This miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  To be told that you very likely won't get pregnant without help, to having it happen without it, to having that joy ripped away so quickly... it sucks... no better way to say it.  I was sad, angry, frustrated, and most of all very depressed.  I remember feeling like people were going to judge, saying "but you were only 6 weeks, you weren't "really" pregnant yet"  But to anyone that says that, you sir, are a jerk.  The moment that you find out that you are pregnant, the moment that test is positive, you see it on ultrasound, you are pregnant.  Just because that child could not survive being born makes it no less of a child, and it makes you no less of a parent.  I will never get to see, hold, or know my first child.  That is a very sad fact, as it is for so many other mothers and fathers out there.  A fact that breaks my heart.  

 

Even with all of those feelings I was having, I was also determined to follow my heart.  I was determined to get myself well and find out what was really going on in my body.  I felt that the road we were on was not working and there had to be a better way...  A better journey...
(to be continued...)