Our Journey... Part 7, On To 2017!

Well!  Feels like forever since I have posted!

Life has been absolutely crazy!  The last time I posted, I stated that I was hoping it was going to be my last trip to Omaha, well that was a no go.  I had 2 more visits after that totaling 13 ultrasounds!  Oofta, that is a lot!  But oh so worth it!  I have been asked numerous times what exactly they were looking for on the ultrasounds, well they were watching my ovaries and measuring my dominant follicle all the way through ovulation.  They wanted to be sure that the follicle was growing appropriately and also that ovulation was occurring... and it was!  Yay!

So that is one awesome piece  of news that we needed to hear!  Next up, Progesterone!

I had talked in another post regarding my progesterone levels and how they were so incredibly low.  Well we have started taking compounded progesterone supplementation on days P+3 through P+12 with a lab draw on P+7 to check my levels.  I know that all this talk about P+whatever is confusing for those of you that don't do Creighton Charting, but basically P stands for your last day of Fertile Mucus.  This is known as your Peak Day.  The numbers after that stand for exactly that, the number of days following your Peak Day.  These are the days that your progesterone should be highest before falling and your wonderful Aunt Flo rears her ugly head again.  Before starting this supplementation, my progesterone at P+7 was 11.9, normal is 15.7, but for fertility they would like to see it much higher than that.  I would like to proudly say my level at P+7 during my last cycle was 31.3!  YAHOO!!!  That is so extremely exciting in itself, BUT there is more!  Prior to my surgery and progesterone, I ALWAYS had horrible PMS symptoms.  I discussed these in previous posts, but a run down would be consipation, bloating, cramping, migraine headaches, acne, mood swings... 10 fold.  Since the surgery and the progesterone I now have ZERO... did  you see that?  Nil, none, zilch, zip... NOT A SINGLE PMS SYMPTOM!  Oh, and my 5 days of premenstrual spotting is also completely gone!

Seriously, I can't even describe to you how amazing this is for me and my husband
(mood swings remember!).  

The next hurdle we had to jump was the 21 days of antibiotics for both of us.  Any of you that know me, I am not one to take antibiotics, especially not for 21 days, holy moly!  But we did it, 500mg a day turns out to be quite the diet plan if you are trying to lose weight in non-fun ways! ;)
We finished those about 2.5 weeks ago.  Another AMAZING update after this is that my 5-6 days of tail end brown bleeding (this is brown spotting following your period, and no it is NOT NORMAL!) has STOPPED!  Now, I am no mathematician, but between the progesterone and the antibiotic, the bleeding portion of my cycle has shortened by about 10-12 days!  What the What?!  I can not even describe to you how wonderful that is.  Anyone that has horrible PMS symptoms and long bleeding cycles understands how much life that takes away from you!  I seriously feel like a new woman!  I am currently still having a lot of cramping and heavy bleeding with my period, and to this my doctor believes it is due to inflammatory foods in my diet.  I will be honest, I have been working very hard on eliminating inflammatory foods from my diet, but the holidays are HARD MAN!!  Another reason to look forward to 2017!  I WILL DO THIS!  I mean, I know how much dairy and wheat make me feel like total poo, but man those Christmas Cookies are tasty! Ugh!

One of the worst parts about all of this is that you have to wait until you get your period to determine if the treatments are working or not.  When you want to get pregnant and have a baby, waiting and wanting your period is the last thing you want to have to do.  But more patience is being learned by this girl than anything else!  I recently have started on the T3 supplementation for the Thyroid System Dysfunction and am working on being patient until we can get the dosage correct!  I have been taking it for a little over a week and have no change in temperatures or symptoms.  The next step will be to likely up my dosage, but we shall see what the doctor wants to do!

Patience... that is a word that keeps coming up in all things in my life.   Patience in my health, patience in my job, patience in our fertility, and the biggest is patience in dealing with how others are reacting to our fertility.  I know that sounds like something that has nothing to do with me, but it does.  The holidays are tough all around, but something that makes is harder for people going through infertility are all the "baby's first christmas" ornaments, the "when are YOU going to finally have kids" question, the "practice makes perfect" comments.... All of those things are really tough for someone who wants nothing more than to have a positive test and a fun way to tell their family that their new bundle is on the way, but time after time it just isn't in their cards.  I understand both sides, I have been on both sides.  I NEVER expected to be in this position of regretting because now I understand, we have all said things that we later regret, even though at the time we honestly meant no ill will.  You know what, it is ok!  I know, I know, "how dare they say those things, they don't have any idea what we have gone through!"  You are right, but you are also right!  They don't know what you are going through.  Infertility has such a stigma around it that it isn't talked about.  Infertility, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, trying yourself to tears... all those things are happening to you, me, your sister, your daughter, your aunt, your friend, your cousin... But often we don't even know it!  Why?  Shame?  Society?  Stigma?  Fear?  Guilt?  All of the above?

Am I ashamed that I haven't been able to have my own child yet?  Yes.  Am I ashamed that my body couldn't keep my growing baby?  Absolutely.  Am I afraid of getting pregnant again in fear of losing the baby again?  Of course, BUT I also can't blame anyone for asking questions when for many of us, the topic comes up about having kids and we awkwardly blow it off as though we aren't trying or wanting kids in hopes that that will stop the converstation.  I have found that for MOST, now there are always those people that are missing that empathy gene, but again for most people if you explain that you would love to be able to have children but you are working through infertility, they will either understand themselves, know another family member in your shoes, or at least understand that it is not in your control.  Now, that doesn't mean that the questions don't hurt, or that people shouldn't be a little more considerate, we all know that they should be, but we don't have control of that.  When you stop allowing the Infertility diagnosis BE you, you start to regain strength and feel more in control.  I know that everyone is different and deals with their pain in different ways, but I honestly have found that being open with people has made me a happier and stronger person.  I have learned to have patience with the fact that people just don't think before they speak, including myself sometimes.  That is NOT including those people that just choose to be buttheads and continually say things they know better than to say... to those I like to say "Bless and Release".  If they don't care enough to listen and have empathy towards you, they really shouldn't matter in the first place.  Sorry to be blunt, but it is true.  Bless and release those people, those comments, that fear, that anger, that shame... all of it.

I truly am more excited for this coming year than I have ever been in the past.  I am just ready to leave 2016 and my grief, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and self loathing behind!  Onward and upwards.  To whatever 2017 has in store for me, for us, I am ready.  I have finally come to a point that I feel I am able to think much more clearly about this whole entire process.  I feel that we have taken the path that we had the most faith in and fit into our belief system.  Whatever happens after this is where we are meant to be.  I pray daily that my husband and I will be blessed to become parents, however that is meant to happen for us.  But I also know that if that is not meant for us, we are going to be ok.  We are leaving 2016 with the strongest relationship we have had since meeting in 2008.  I can't imagine any other person I would rather spend my good and bad days with.  He completes my life and makes me the best version of myself that I could be.  I am truly happy with my life, even in light of where this journey has taken us!  I won't give up on this journey, but like I have said before, there are always twists and turns in the path.

Which way will 2017 take us?  I am not sure, but I am optimistic that it will be OUR YEAR!

I think it is a sign that these are the words to our First Dance Song from our Wedding...

"This Will Be Our Year"
(Foo Fighters originally by The Zombies)

The warmth of your love's
Like the warmth from the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Don't let go of my hand
Now darkness has gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

I won't forget 
The way you helped me 
Up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said
Darling I love you
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there 
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

The warmth of your smile
Smile for me little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget 
The way you helped me 
Up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said
Darling I love you
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there 
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

And we've only just begun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

I hope that 2017 will be your year as well, in all things.
Blessings,
Melissa

Our Journey... Part Four

Since writing our first post we have had so many awesome responses AND we even got featured on the Orange City FertilityCare Center's Facebook Page!  You guys are all so amazing and thank you so much for all of the beautiful stories and messages you have sent our way!  

We are so blessed by all of you!

So we are still in our mode of waiting... We are kind of getting good at it actually! 

Ok that is a lie, I am still not very good at it, but my hubby is patient enough for both of us somedays!  Through all of this process even though all of the testing, treatment, talk, all of it, has been about me, I have not actually done anything, mentally, to prepare myself for it all.  I tell myself that I am ready to feel better, I just want it to be over, It is fine, we are fine, it's all good...  But inside I am a complete mess.  I know that this is a burden on us financially, I know that this is going to be hard on my business depending on what we find out, I know that it has been tough on my husband and family emotionally,  I know that my changes I have made in my diet are difficult for my friends to understand, I know, I know, I know.... All of these things are weighing on me and all the oils in the world aren't helping me sleep without thinking about it all.  What if this or what if that?  Why can't I be like this person or that person?  Why us and why not us?  I needed something to help me figure my life out.

I read a book about a year or so ago called Oola: Find Balance in and Unbalanced World.   Since then I have been in love with the concepts in the book and have followed their plan to help find my balance, but the follow through has always been less than stellar!  I had the opportunity last weekend to go to an event called Oolapalooza in Minneapolis and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I wasn't going to go, but the hubby told me I was going, no matter what.  So I went, and he was right.  I needed this more than any other time in my life.  I believe that God works in a very strategic way.  Like a wonderful woman said today "I truly believe that there are no coincidences in life... EVER".  God had this planned all along, he knew that in order for me to have the strength to get through all of this, I needed a plan...  This weekend I made my plan. 

I learned so much about myself and how we all lie to ourselves on a daily basis.  We are not fine, I am not fine, I am angry, I am judgmental, I am not always a good friend, I am terrible at anything related to finances and I put it off like the plague, I am full of guilt for not wanting the type of business that others make me feel like I should have, I feel guilty because I can't make my husband a wonderful father and have to drag him through all of this along with it,  I am carrying so much crap... plain and simple.  There you all have it!  That is me, in a nutshell.  I am a mess, but you know what?  I also have a plan.  I know what I have to do to get out of that mess and get where I want to be for me, for us, and for our future family.  This weekend taught me that this is just where you are, not WHO you are.  I know that I deserve better and those around me deserve better.  

So how does this relate to this situation right now?  Well, it gave me a sense of control where I sort of feel like I don't have any.  My surgery is scheduled for October 6, but that is about the only thing that is certain right now.  I have to have a pre-op ultrasound the day before and based on the measurements of the follicle, that will determine our schedule for our Ultrasound Series.  This will be a series of daily ultrasounds to watch my ovaries and follicles to make sure that I am ovulating and to watch for that dang PCOS diagnosis that they also gave me.  So for the daily ultrasounds, I have to go to Omaha to have them done, that is where my Type A personality wants to know right now when they are and so I can schedule my life around the 5 hour round trip each visit... The other uknown is how significant the Endo is.  This is completely unknown until they actually do the procedure.  Will they be able to get it all at this time? Will I have to return for a robotic surgery in the near future to remove the rest of the endo?  Is the PCOS worse than I am thinking and we need to do something about that as well?  They found on my lab results that I have an underactive thyroid as well (which again, in my head I already knew this!) so what do we do about that?  My labs show  I have low progesterone during my cycle, this could very well be the actual reason for the miscarriage and the endo had nothing to do with it... what do we do about that?   

Again, Patience Melissa... I can hear my husband saying it in my ear as I type! Ha!  

Here is a crazy thing about Endo, symptoms don't always mean crap!  You could have a minuscule amount of endo and have some of the worst pain, extremely heavy cycles, you name it you got it kind of symptoms.  BUT you could also have extensive endo, for example lesions on your colon, adhesions between organs, or even on areas such as your lungs or brain, and have MINIMAL SYMPOMS, with a NORMAL CYCLE!  This is also one of the reasons that it takes so long to be diagnosed!  It reminds me of when I had kidney stones years ago.  Let me tell you, that is some serious pain!!!  But when they removed the stone and showed me how tiny it was, it almost made you angry that it was so small, bc the symptoms you had were so big!  Each body is different and your inflammatory response to the Endo is also different.  Some women's only symptom is infertility.  Some women were diagnosed with IBS, but it was Endo.  I read a testimony of a woman that would get a seizure every time she would have her period because the endo had spread to her brain (which is extremely rare by the way!)   In a way it kind of puts things in perspective that it could be much worse, but it also reminds you that this is your one body you are given in this lifetime, and it is yours.  These are your cards you've been dealt.  How you play them is your choice.  

I had to make a goal this weekend that if you could accomplish one thing and everything else would start to fall into place, what would it be.  But the bigger question in that goal was, what is keeping you from accomplishing it?   My goal was to overcome this and become a mom.  However that is meant to happen for me.  What is keeping you from it?  Some of that answer is uncontrollable, but the scary part of it IS under my control.  Fear... Anger... Guilt... All those same things that I said earlier, I have allowed them to get in the way of this process.   What if it doesn't work?  What if because I was on the pill for so long, I did this to myself?  What if I am a terrible mom?  What if this is Karma?  I realized that the reason that I can't completely be at ease in this is because I have allowed my head to speak louder than my faith.  There is always something bigger at play.  It was no coincidence that my surgery was scheduled for almost a week after this event.  It was no coincidence that this was also happening right around the time that I would've given birth to our baby.  This was all planned as part of this journey.  I needed to accept that this is where we are and that there is a bigger plan.  But I also needed to remember that this Endo Journey is just where I am, it is not WHO I am. 

If you are going through something please remember that, no matter what it is, it does not have to define who you are as a person.  The only thing that can do that is YOU.  What are you going to let define you?  I refuse to let this be me.  I am better than that.  God believes in me more than that and I know that without our miscarriage or any of the other things along the way, we wouldn't be here.  I wouldn't be writing this and hearing from women EVERYWHERE that are also going through the same things.  Be grateful and have faith... That is something that has stuck with me from the first time I read the Oola book and always will.  No matter what you are going through in your life, 

be grateful and have faith.  

Next week is surgery week,  I am ready.  I've got this, whatever they find.  

Want to know more about Oola?

Check out their website www.oolalife.com  

Their mission is to simply change the world with a word.  

We do this by making us better as individuals, and as we become better, our families 

become better, our communities become better, and the world becomes better. 

Oola is a state of awesomeness, I will get there... I am on my way.