Since writing our first post we have had so many awesome responses AND we even got featured on the Orange City FertilityCare Center's Facebook Page! You guys are all so amazing and thank you so much for all of the beautiful stories and messages you have sent our way!
We are so blessed by all of you!
So we are still in our mode of waiting... We are kind of getting good at it actually!
Ok that is a lie, I am still not very good at it, but my hubby is patient enough for both of us somedays! Through all of this process even though all of the testing, treatment, talk, all of it, has been about me, I have not actually done anything, mentally, to prepare myself for it all. I tell myself that I am ready to feel better, I just want it to be over, It is fine, we are fine, it's all good... But inside I am a complete mess. I know that this is a burden on us financially, I know that this is going to be hard on my business depending on what we find out, I know that it has been tough on my husband and family emotionally, I know that my changes I have made in my diet are difficult for my friends to understand, I know, I know, I know.... All of these things are weighing on me and all the oils in the world aren't helping me sleep without thinking about it all. What if this or what if that? Why can't I be like this person or that person? Why us and why not us? I needed something to help me figure my life out.
I read a book about a year or so ago called Oola: Find Balance in and Unbalanced World. Since then I have been in love with the concepts in the book and have followed their plan to help find my balance, but the follow through has always been less than stellar! I had the opportunity last weekend to go to an event called Oolapalooza in Minneapolis and it couldn't have come at a better time. I wasn't going to go, but the hubby told me I was going, no matter what. So I went, and he was right. I needed this more than any other time in my life. I believe that God works in a very strategic way. Like a wonderful woman said today "I truly believe that there are no coincidences in life... EVER". God had this planned all along, he knew that in order for me to have the strength to get through all of this, I needed a plan... This weekend I made my plan.
I learned so much about myself and how we all lie to ourselves on a daily basis. We are not fine, I am not fine, I am angry, I am judgmental, I am not always a good friend, I am terrible at anything related to finances and I put it off like the plague, I am full of guilt for not wanting the type of business that others make me feel like I should have, I feel guilty because I can't make my husband a wonderful father and have to drag him through all of this along with it, I am carrying so much crap... plain and simple. There you all have it! That is me, in a nutshell. I am a mess, but you know what? I also have a plan. I know what I have to do to get out of that mess and get where I want to be for me, for us, and for our future family. This weekend taught me that this is just where you are, not WHO you are. I know that I deserve better and those around me deserve better.
So how does this relate to this situation right now? Well, it gave me a sense of control where I sort of feel like I don't have any. My surgery is scheduled for October 6, but that is about the only thing that is certain right now. I have to have a pre-op ultrasound the day before and based on the measurements of the follicle, that will determine our schedule for our Ultrasound Series. This will be a series of daily ultrasounds to watch my ovaries and follicles to make sure that I am ovulating and to watch for that dang PCOS diagnosis that they also gave me. So for the daily ultrasounds, I have to go to Omaha to have them done, that is where my Type A personality wants to know right now when they are and so I can schedule my life around the 5 hour round trip each visit... The other uknown is how significant the Endo is. This is completely unknown until they actually do the procedure. Will they be able to get it all at this time? Will I have to return for a robotic surgery in the near future to remove the rest of the endo? Is the PCOS worse than I am thinking and we need to do something about that as well? They found on my lab results that I have an underactive thyroid as well (which again, in my head I already knew this!) so what do we do about that? My labs show I have low progesterone during my cycle, this could very well be the actual reason for the miscarriage and the endo had nothing to do with it... what do we do about that?
Again, Patience Melissa... I can hear my husband saying it in my ear as I type! Ha!
Here is a crazy thing about Endo, symptoms don't always mean crap! You could have a minuscule amount of endo and have some of the worst pain, extremely heavy cycles, you name it you got it kind of symptoms. BUT you could also have extensive endo, for example lesions on your colon, adhesions between organs, or even on areas such as your lungs or brain, and have MINIMAL SYMPOMS, with a NORMAL CYCLE! This is also one of the reasons that it takes so long to be diagnosed! It reminds me of when I had kidney stones years ago. Let me tell you, that is some serious pain!!! But when they removed the stone and showed me how tiny it was, it almost made you angry that it was so small, bc the symptoms you had were so big! Each body is different and your inflammatory response to the Endo is also different. Some women's only symptom is infertility. Some women were diagnosed with IBS, but it was Endo. I read a testimony of a woman that would get a seizure every time she would have her period because the endo had spread to her brain (which is extremely rare by the way!) In a way it kind of puts things in perspective that it could be much worse, but it also reminds you that this is your one body you are given in this lifetime, and it is yours. These are your cards you've been dealt. How you play them is your choice.
I had to make a goal this weekend that if you could accomplish one thing and everything else would start to fall into place, what would it be. But the bigger question in that goal was, what is keeping you from accomplishing it? My goal was to overcome this and become a mom. However that is meant to happen for me. What is keeping you from it? Some of that answer is uncontrollable, but the scary part of it IS under my control. Fear... Anger... Guilt... All those same things that I said earlier, I have allowed them to get in the way of this process. What if it doesn't work? What if because I was on the pill for so long, I did this to myself? What if I am a terrible mom? What if this is Karma? I realized that the reason that I can't completely be at ease in this is because I have allowed my head to speak louder than my faith. There is always something bigger at play. It was no coincidence that my surgery was scheduled for almost a week after this event. It was no coincidence that this was also happening right around the time that I would've given birth to our baby. This was all planned as part of this journey. I needed to accept that this is where we are and that there is a bigger plan. But I also needed to remember that this Endo Journey is just where I am, it is not WHO I am.
If you are going through something please remember that, no matter what it is, it does not have to define who you are as a person. The only thing that can do that is YOU. What are you going to let define you? I refuse to let this be me. I am better than that. God believes in me more than that and I know that without our miscarriage or any of the other things along the way, we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be writing this and hearing from women EVERYWHERE that are also going through the same things. Be grateful and have faith... That is something that has stuck with me from the first time I read the Oola book and always will. No matter what you are going through in your life,
be grateful and have faith.
Next week is surgery week, I am ready. I've got this, whatever they find.
Want to know more about Oola?
Check out their website www.oolalife.com
Their mission is to simply change the world with a word.
We do this by making us better as individuals, and as we become better, our families
become better, our communities become better, and the world becomes better.
Oola is a state of awesomeness, I will get there... I am on my way.
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