Our Journey... Part 7, On To 2017!

Well!  Feels like forever since I have posted!

Life has been absolutely crazy!  The last time I posted, I stated that I was hoping it was going to be my last trip to Omaha, well that was a no go.  I had 2 more visits after that totaling 13 ultrasounds!  Oofta, that is a lot!  But oh so worth it!  I have been asked numerous times what exactly they were looking for on the ultrasounds, well they were watching my ovaries and measuring my dominant follicle all the way through ovulation.  They wanted to be sure that the follicle was growing appropriately and also that ovulation was occurring... and it was!  Yay!

So that is one awesome piece  of news that we needed to hear!  Next up, Progesterone!

I had talked in another post regarding my progesterone levels and how they were so incredibly low.  Well we have started taking compounded progesterone supplementation on days P+3 through P+12 with a lab draw on P+7 to check my levels.  I know that all this talk about P+whatever is confusing for those of you that don't do Creighton Charting, but basically P stands for your last day of Fertile Mucus.  This is known as your Peak Day.  The numbers after that stand for exactly that, the number of days following your Peak Day.  These are the days that your progesterone should be highest before falling and your wonderful Aunt Flo rears her ugly head again.  Before starting this supplementation, my progesterone at P+7 was 11.9, normal is 15.7, but for fertility they would like to see it much higher than that.  I would like to proudly say my level at P+7 during my last cycle was 31.3!  YAHOO!!!  That is so extremely exciting in itself, BUT there is more!  Prior to my surgery and progesterone, I ALWAYS had horrible PMS symptoms.  I discussed these in previous posts, but a run down would be consipation, bloating, cramping, migraine headaches, acne, mood swings... 10 fold.  Since the surgery and the progesterone I now have ZERO... did  you see that?  Nil, none, zilch, zip... NOT A SINGLE PMS SYMPTOM!  Oh, and my 5 days of premenstrual spotting is also completely gone!

Seriously, I can't even describe to you how amazing this is for me and my husband
(mood swings remember!).  

The next hurdle we had to jump was the 21 days of antibiotics for both of us.  Any of you that know me, I am not one to take antibiotics, especially not for 21 days, holy moly!  But we did it, 500mg a day turns out to be quite the diet plan if you are trying to lose weight in non-fun ways! ;)
We finished those about 2.5 weeks ago.  Another AMAZING update after this is that my 5-6 days of tail end brown bleeding (this is brown spotting following your period, and no it is NOT NORMAL!) has STOPPED!  Now, I am no mathematician, but between the progesterone and the antibiotic, the bleeding portion of my cycle has shortened by about 10-12 days!  What the What?!  I can not even describe to you how wonderful that is.  Anyone that has horrible PMS symptoms and long bleeding cycles understands how much life that takes away from you!  I seriously feel like a new woman!  I am currently still having a lot of cramping and heavy bleeding with my period, and to this my doctor believes it is due to inflammatory foods in my diet.  I will be honest, I have been working very hard on eliminating inflammatory foods from my diet, but the holidays are HARD MAN!!  Another reason to look forward to 2017!  I WILL DO THIS!  I mean, I know how much dairy and wheat make me feel like total poo, but man those Christmas Cookies are tasty! Ugh!

One of the worst parts about all of this is that you have to wait until you get your period to determine if the treatments are working or not.  When you want to get pregnant and have a baby, waiting and wanting your period is the last thing you want to have to do.  But more patience is being learned by this girl than anything else!  I recently have started on the T3 supplementation for the Thyroid System Dysfunction and am working on being patient until we can get the dosage correct!  I have been taking it for a little over a week and have no change in temperatures or symptoms.  The next step will be to likely up my dosage, but we shall see what the doctor wants to do!

Patience... that is a word that keeps coming up in all things in my life.   Patience in my health, patience in my job, patience in our fertility, and the biggest is patience in dealing with how others are reacting to our fertility.  I know that sounds like something that has nothing to do with me, but it does.  The holidays are tough all around, but something that makes is harder for people going through infertility are all the "baby's first christmas" ornaments, the "when are YOU going to finally have kids" question, the "practice makes perfect" comments.... All of those things are really tough for someone who wants nothing more than to have a positive test and a fun way to tell their family that their new bundle is on the way, but time after time it just isn't in their cards.  I understand both sides, I have been on both sides.  I NEVER expected to be in this position of regretting because now I understand, we have all said things that we later regret, even though at the time we honestly meant no ill will.  You know what, it is ok!  I know, I know, "how dare they say those things, they don't have any idea what we have gone through!"  You are right, but you are also right!  They don't know what you are going through.  Infertility has such a stigma around it that it isn't talked about.  Infertility, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, trying yourself to tears... all those things are happening to you, me, your sister, your daughter, your aunt, your friend, your cousin... But often we don't even know it!  Why?  Shame?  Society?  Stigma?  Fear?  Guilt?  All of the above?

Am I ashamed that I haven't been able to have my own child yet?  Yes.  Am I ashamed that my body couldn't keep my growing baby?  Absolutely.  Am I afraid of getting pregnant again in fear of losing the baby again?  Of course, BUT I also can't blame anyone for asking questions when for many of us, the topic comes up about having kids and we awkwardly blow it off as though we aren't trying or wanting kids in hopes that that will stop the converstation.  I have found that for MOST, now there are always those people that are missing that empathy gene, but again for most people if you explain that you would love to be able to have children but you are working through infertility, they will either understand themselves, know another family member in your shoes, or at least understand that it is not in your control.  Now, that doesn't mean that the questions don't hurt, or that people shouldn't be a little more considerate, we all know that they should be, but we don't have control of that.  When you stop allowing the Infertility diagnosis BE you, you start to regain strength and feel more in control.  I know that everyone is different and deals with their pain in different ways, but I honestly have found that being open with people has made me a happier and stronger person.  I have learned to have patience with the fact that people just don't think before they speak, including myself sometimes.  That is NOT including those people that just choose to be buttheads and continually say things they know better than to say... to those I like to say "Bless and Release".  If they don't care enough to listen and have empathy towards you, they really shouldn't matter in the first place.  Sorry to be blunt, but it is true.  Bless and release those people, those comments, that fear, that anger, that shame... all of it.

I truly am more excited for this coming year than I have ever been in the past.  I am just ready to leave 2016 and my grief, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and self loathing behind!  Onward and upwards.  To whatever 2017 has in store for me, for us, I am ready.  I have finally come to a point that I feel I am able to think much more clearly about this whole entire process.  I feel that we have taken the path that we had the most faith in and fit into our belief system.  Whatever happens after this is where we are meant to be.  I pray daily that my husband and I will be blessed to become parents, however that is meant to happen for us.  But I also know that if that is not meant for us, we are going to be ok.  We are leaving 2016 with the strongest relationship we have had since meeting in 2008.  I can't imagine any other person I would rather spend my good and bad days with.  He completes my life and makes me the best version of myself that I could be.  I am truly happy with my life, even in light of where this journey has taken us!  I won't give up on this journey, but like I have said before, there are always twists and turns in the path.

Which way will 2017 take us?  I am not sure, but I am optimistic that it will be OUR YEAR!

I think it is a sign that these are the words to our First Dance Song from our Wedding...

"This Will Be Our Year"
(Foo Fighters originally by The Zombies)

The warmth of your love's
Like the warmth from the sun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

Don't let go of my hand
Now darkness has gone
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

I won't forget 
The way you helped me 
Up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said
Darling I love you
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there 
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

The warmth of your smile
Smile for me little one
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

You don't have to worry
All your worried days are gone
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

And I won't forget 
The way you helped me 
Up when I was down
And I won't forget
The way you said
Darling I love you
You gave me faith to go on
Now we're there 
And we've only just begun
This will be our year
Took a long time to come

And we've only just begun
And this will be our year
Took a long time to come

I hope that 2017 will be your year as well, in all things.
Blessings,
Melissa

Hormones... they are everywhere...

So I have decided to throw in a little educational post today, so for those

of you looking for mind numbing info, you are in for a treat! ha!  

Just kidding!  Honestly, this is actually really interesting info!

So in order to talk about this, I first need to go back... back to our first and very short pregnancy.

Now if you remember right, we had decided to stop the fertility drugs and get healthy.  Well, part of that meant supplementing some of the areas in my body that I KNEW were an issue, even if the numbers on my lab results didn't say so.  

Here is a list of some of my symptoms, many of them you might relate to!

Fatigue, weakness

Depression, irritability

Mind fog, memory loss

Digestive issues – usually constipation

Weight gain or difficulty losing weight

Dry/rough skin, dry/brittle hair, HAIR LOSS... holy clogged drain!

Eczema

Cold intolerance

Low body temperature (I knew this from our first try at "charting")

Slow pulse (our life insurance nurse caught this!)

Menstrual cycle abnormalities

Difficulty conceiving or carrying pregnancy

Some of these were things that I didn't realize were even symptoms at all, I just thought it was me.  It was normal to be tired, irritable, full of crap (lol), unable to lose weight, itchy, going bald, cold ALL.THE.TIME, have extreme PMS, and unable to get pregnant.

NOPE!  It is not just me, and it is not normal either!  Like I said last post, our bodies are made so intricately to work that when one aspect is not functioning, it can have detrimental effects on other areas.

Guess what problem also has all these same symptoms?  And then some actually...

Anyone?  Thyroid System Dysfunction.  Did you know that if your thyroid is not functioning properly, you can actually be considered in the medical world to be infertile, even if all of their thyroid tests are "normal"?!   That was the boat I was in, I knew that something was wrong with my thyroid, but my Dr.'s kept saying it was fine.  I begged to have a full hormone panel run, but never got the tests I asked for.  So I decided to take it into my own hands.  I decided to do whatever I could to kickstart my thyroid.  And I did.  I started to take a supplement called Thyromin by Young Living and I also started using oils including Endoflex and Sclaressense to help support my Endocrine System.  Guess what happened?  I lost weight, my skin got a little better, my temps started to go up along with my pulse, and WE GOT PREGNANT.  Now mind you, I stopped taking the supplement when I was pregnant because of the extremely high amount of iodine in it, but I truly believe that it played a huge part in us getting pregnant!  John admits that I was a totally different person when I was on this supplement and he believes wholeheartedly that my thyroid is affecting my health and our fertility!  

How does it exactly help with that you might be asking?

Well here is where the nerdy educational part comes in...

Your thyroid is a gland that sits in your neck around your windpipe.  It produces thyroid hormones which control your body's metabolism and control the growth and development of your fetus while pregnant.  But healthy thyroid function is also needed for controlling heart rate, blood pressure, and brain function!  Now I won't go into complete detail, but here's a quick rundown on how the thyroid works:

Hypothalmus tells the Pituitary Gland to make TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).

You guessed it, TSH tells the Thyroid to produce Thyroid Hormone, mainly T4.

T4 is carried into the cells and produces T3 (this is the active form of the hormone and tells your cells what they are supposed to do)

So that's the basics.  Now most doctors will diagnose Thyroid Dysfunction based on your TSH and T4 levels.  Any numbers too high or low could be caused by the thyroid itself, OR any other problems upstream such as the hypothalmus or pituitary...  Problem is, sometimes these numbers are within normal ranges, but many of the symptoms of Thyroid Dysfunction are still there.

There is another form of T3 that is OFTEN never looked at.  This is called rT3 (reverse T3) and this is the INACTIVE form of T3.  Why would you need this?  Well your body makes this as a way to get rid of any unnecessary T4.  Your body is continuously making T4, but as T3 levels rise, you may not need that much of it so it has to have a sort of "shut off" system in place.  Long term medication use, chronic inflammation (endo?!), physical injury, stress causing Adrenal Dysfunction (causing too much cortisol, which inhibits conversion of T4 to T3 and increases rT3, THIS IS THE MOST RECOGNIZED CAUSE!!!!), illnesses, starvation or severe calorie restriction, diabetes, Lyme Disease, and even low iron levels (decreases your bloods ability to carry T4, so it gets elevated equaling excess rT3) can cause elevated levels of rT3 in your system!  Often times when your rT3 is elevated, your T4, T3, and TSH levels will be normal.

This rT3 dominance causes decreased metabolism and is associated with decreased body temperature.  This occurs because rT3 and T3 both bind to the same receptors in your cells, but with too much rT3 it is able to bind to the receptors and block your active T3 from being able to do it's job.  This causes many of the chemical reactions in the body to slow down.  When these reactions slow down, less heat is produced and the body temperature starts to decrease.  rT3 is a blood test that can be run, but often is not.  The best indicator is T3/rT3 ratio, this needs to be above 10, but many homeopathic doctors like to see that number to be above 20 for optimal function.   The last thing that is done is a series of body temperatures.  This is done using a Basal Body Thermometer.  Average body temperature needs to be above 98.2 for normal thyroid function and body function. 

Here are my labs:

Thyroid System Dysfunction is a very controversial condition.  It is sometimes referred to as Wilson's Syndrome, but the American Thyroid Association does not even admit that it exists.  This is why it is so hard to be diagnosed.  So now what?  Well I do know a few people that have been able to find naturopathic doctors and SOME medical doctors that have treated this with great success!  At Pope Paul VI Institute they are working to evaluate a select group of patients that have not responded to other forms of treatment, but are being selected for treatment of this condition.  They are labeling it Thyroid System Dysfunction because they believe it to be a result of the thyroid hormone on a variety of different organ systems in the body.  WELL!!!  That was a LOT of science, hope you are hanging in there!  I got just a little bit more for you!

So, how does the thyroid affect your fertility?  I knew you would ask!
In men, this can cause decreases in sperm production as the body needs a certain temperature for sperm to be produced and survive.  In women, there are a lot of effects (both on mom and fetus)... I won't go into them all, but want to talk about one specifically.

If a woman is estrogen dominant, this means that their estrogen levels are much higher than their progesterone levels during the duration of their cycle.  Now, mind you, your estrogen levels may be totally normal, BUT the problem is that there is not enough progesterone to oppose the activity of the estrogen.  This excess estrogen causes the liver to produce a hormone known as Thyroid Binding Globulin.  This binds to T4 and inhibits cells from being able to use it. Thus you have enough T4, but are not able to use it.  Also did you know that your ovaries produce the majority of your progesterone?  It does, but if it is not keeping up, your body has a "back up" system to help out!  Did you know that your ADRENALS also produce progesterone?  Well now you do!  They make SOME progesterone, read that again, SOME.  Now, remember how we said that stress causes adrenal dysfunction?  Well when your adrenals get overworked they make too much cortisol trying to keep uo with everything... Go back up 4 paragraphs and read that again!  Eventually your adrenals will give up (adrenal fatigue) and you will not have a back up for making progesterone.  Remember how I said that our body is so intricately made?!  It is all a vicious circle!

Here are my progesterone levels during the 2nd half of my cycle.  Notice they are low!

There are so many things that you can do to help protect these systems from dysfunction!  CONTROL YOUR STRESS!   I know, easier said than done, but it needs to be done... for your health!  There are also supplements that can help your adrenals (note: talk to your doctor before starting any supplement regimen or find a naturopath!).  Diet, diet, diet!  That is one!  Avoiding inflammatory foods that cause your system to be overworked, this includes things like dairy, red meat, alcohol, wheat and gluten, to name a few.  Do your research on Anti Inflammatory and Autoimmune Diets.  For your thyroid be sure you are getting enough sleep and also concentrate on low impact exercise and weight training as opposed to extended cardio!  (I believe this is why I hate to run, it just wasn't meant to be! ha!)  I truly believe that the best thing you can do is to get a correct diagnosis!  The thyroid has such a grave effect on so many other systems in the body that you want to be sure you are treating it with what it needs!  Find yourself a doctor that you trust and doesn't throw away your concerns!  I feel so lucky to have found this path we are on!  I am excited to get my life back!

Right now we are working with our Doctor to record my basal body temperatures for 10 days and that will determine where we go with my thyroid dysfunction.  But we are also working with her to start taking a compounded bio-identical progesterone in order to get those levels to where they need to be to achieve pregnancy, but also to hopefully attain a normal menstrual cycle!  That sounds like heaven!  Ok, I have bored you enough for today!  I am glad I got that all of my brain!  It was getting full in there ;)  I am headed to Omaha today for hopefully my last time and will have all that fun info for you on our next Journey post!   

Our Journey... Part 6, Post-Op!

8 days post-op...

What a crazy week it has been.  I am not even sure where to start... speechless I guess!

Crazy thought huh?  I have been mildly speechless both from nerves and in awe often this last week.

Since this entire process began 6 months ago it has been a whirlwind and I haven't had a lot of time to actually think about what I was doing or what this would mean for us... or John.  I have always known that I had an amazing husband, but this last few days has proven why I married him... and why I am so happy that he chose me.  I know that I am not always the easiest to "deal" with, and that is on a normal day, let alone on anesthesia! haha!  But he stuck around, lucky for me!  And lucky for us we have some pretty amazing people on this journey with us!  (psst... that means you!) I can't thank you enough for all the calls, texts, and messages in the last while.  You are all amazing!

Where do we start...

We headed to Omaha last Wednesday for all of our scheduled pre-op visits.  We had one at the hospital where the surgery would be performed and another at Pope Paul VI Institute.  This is the first chance we had gotten to actually meet any of the people we had been talking to on the phone for the last 6 months, including Dr. Pakiz.  It is a surreal feeling finally getting to meet the woman that could potentially give you your life back!  I was nervous and excited all day, so much to take in and honestly a lot of it is a blur.... So glad I had John there, I am pretty sure I have asked him the same questions a million times because I apparently wasn't listening!  My mind was definitely spinning and I was trying to keep it all together emotionally.

When we had our pre-op with Dr. Pakiz she explained everything that would be happening the next day and in the following week.  We knew that there was a possibility, if my case was moderate to extensive, I would need another surgery.  We were told that with the new technology it was a 50/50 chance.  There is so much more that they are able to do with the robot, so often they will require another surgery to use that technology instead.  I prayed and prayed that even with my symptoms I was a mild to moderate case, because remember, with Endometriosis the symptoms don't always mean squat!  We also found out at our pre-op ultrasound that I had some peri-tubal cysts that were generously large.  She noted that they are not likely causing any pain or symptoms, but if they are weighing my tubes down they will have to be removed.

Dr. Pakiz explained that they would have to fill my abdomen with Carbon Dioxide to allow for room to work, that they would be removing the Endometriosis that they find, possibly removing the cysts, doing a Hysteroscopy (looking into the uterus to determine if there are any signs of abmormalities there), and doing a Selective Hysterosalpingogram (this is basically where they push dye into your Fallopian Tubes to make sure that they are not blocked and that the pressure inside them is sufficient to allow your eggs to pass).  I would be under for the entire procedure and it should take approximately 1-2 hours to complete.  I would have 2 incisions for the Laparoscopy, one in my belly button and one above my pubic bone that would allow them to have the camera in to view everything and the laser to do the work.  Ok.  I think I got all the details... I am ready... Let's do this!

Thursday... Today is the day!  4:30 am...  That is early, but I knew that, lucky for me, I would be getting a good nap in soon ;)  I was ready this morning.  I was feeling good, nervous, but good.  They got me all hooked up and by 7:40 they were wheeling me to surgery.  I remember moving from my bed to the table and then it was lights out.  Dr. Pakiz told John that she would keep him up to date on how I was doing throughout the proceedure and if anything changed.  The surgery took longer than expected, the nurse informed John that they did not want to have to come back for another surgery so Dr. Pakiz was going to do all of it this time, without the robot.  They ended up needing 6 incision sites instead of 2, and she ended up needing to place permanent stitches to close up some of the areas where Endo and the cysts were removed.  In all, 3 of 4 cysts were removed as well as what she called "mild" endometriosis.  She did not find any endometrial adhesions, nor did she find it on any other organs.  She also found that there is a significant amount of inflammation inside my uterus and cultured that to determine if there is an infection there.  She also informed John that she needed to place a tube into my left Fallopian Tube to clear it out as the pressure was elevated there.  Everything went well and I would be in recovery soon!

She got it all... No More Surgery... Those were the words that I remember John telling me when I woke up.  All the other stuff was a blur.  But those words... those were what I needed to hear.

I want to share some pictures from the surgery that Dr. Pakiz shared with John while I was in recovery.  We also were able to watch the surgical video at our post-op visit and see her in action!  Let me say, that was really interesting for me, but I could also feel my insides hurting as I watched!

These are a few of the images of the Endo that was removed.
The top right is called a Halo Lesion.  These were located on the front side of my sacrum (tailbone), behind my uterus
The bottom right are lesions that are attached to my right ovary. 

These are 2 of the 3 cysts on my right Fallopian Tube 

This is the cyst on the left Fallopian Tube 

Top:  Right ovary and tube Post-Surgery
Bottom:  Left ovary and tube Post surgery
Can also see the posterior abdomen where they sutured after removing some of the Endo. 

Left Ovary:  Appears Mildly Polycystic.  Size Normal, but smooth.

There you have it!  Isn't that crazy that such a small little lesion can wreak so much havoc on your system?!  Makes you feel like a little bit of a wuss!  But you know what, Endo is real, and it is definitely something that can play a detrimental effect on your body!  Right now I am just taking some time to heal, I have gone back to work part time and let me tell ya, you don't realize how much you use your core until you have numerous tiny holes in it!  I am healing well, still having some pain on the left side from the extra incisions, but overall feeling really good!

I am continuing my trips to Omaha as we speak for ultrasounds.  They are watching my follicles within my ovaries change and grow as we near ovulation.  They want to watch the process and be sure that it is all working properly.  I am also beginning the process of treating my Thyroid and also my Low Progesterone.   I have all kinds of fun lab stuff for ya in my next post!  It is so incredibly interesting how intricate God created our bodies to work in a specific way.  

This journey isn't even close to being over...  

We're just headed down another road.

Our Journey... Part 5

SURGERY WEEK IS HERE!

Oofta... I have had every emotion under the sun the last week.  

But today... I am ready. 

I am beyond ready.  Let's do this!

So I am packing today for our trip, we leave tomorrow and as long as everything goes well, we will be coming home Friday.  I am praying that things go as planned and I will be able to rest and recoup at home.  I cleaned and washed everything, I felt like I was nesting lol!  

Mentally preparing for your pre-op "to-do" list is a whole other story.  Labs, ultrasounds, financial department visit, drink water to pee in a cup, drink more water because you need a full bladder 3 hours later, light on the food because you know you have an enema in your future... yep you read that right.  UGH!  So gross lol!  I told the hubby he should have to do one too, just for moral support (I mean "in sickness and in health" right?!)!  He wasn't too keen on that idea! Ha!

I will be sure to update you all as soon as I am feeling up to it!  Let's do this!

I want to share a Guest Blog Post from my friend Kari for today.  

I want to talk a little about discretion.  I know that we all say things thinking, well actually not thinking at all, that we understand each person's journey.  Kari has a great story and I think it is perfect for people to know that just because you choose your journey and it doesn't "fit the norm" of society, it is still YOUR JOURNEY!  Who chooses this "norm" anyway?  Why do we feel like we have to fit into a specific mold just to make us feel like we have completed our worldly duty?  

Discretion... the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information.  Be considerate of other's choices, you may not always understand their reasons behind them. 

In the words of Dr. Dave and Dr. Troy,  "You are designed by God for greatness and a purpose"

Not everyone's purpose is the same as yours, no judgement, just love.  And I love this story. 

Here is Kari's Journey.

A Different Kind of Infertility Story

“So, you mean you don’t have any kids of your own?”..This question is usually accompanied by a surprised or condescending tone of voice. And then usually followed up with something trite such as, “Well at least you have 3 stepkids!”, or “Want to watch mine sometime?..Haha!”, or the worst, “So what do you do with all of your time?!” (I keep plenty busy, thank you very much.) 

Let me explain. I was born with a heart condition known as Transposition of the Great Arteries. It means that my pulmonary artery and my aorta are switched around. It changes the way blood circulates throughout the body, and leaves a shortage of oxygen in the blood. It was discovered 3 days after I was born and turned blue one night while my mom was feeding me. I had my first open heart surgery at 4 days old, my second surgery the next day, and my “big” surgery (where they opened up my chest and re routed the vessels and arteries in my heart) when I was 11 months old. I had a pacemaker implanted when I was 19 and have had that redone twice. If you would meet me, you’d think I was pretty normal and healthy until you saw the big scars across my chest. (And you’d notice them too; I’m not shy about wearing a tank top or a swimsuit.) Having TGA isn’t easy. I have to think about it every time I workout and make sure my heart isn’t beating too fast, every time I get sick (Any sort of flu like symptoms could put me in the hospital if I’m not careful) and every time I weigh myself as my doctor doesn’t want me getting too heavy. (And you thought you had it rough just hoping you’d fit into your favorite pair of jeans!)

All of that is easy compared to the way TGA has impacted my life the most. I can’t have kids. I’ve kind of known about this all my life. (Thanks for all those safe sex lectures, Mom!) Being pregnant would be too hard on my heart. When I was 21, I had my tubes tied. I know a lot of people thought my mom was crazy for letting me go through with it, but I’m glad she did. After that, I had a lot of female problems and got a hysterectomy at age 29. While in the operating room, the surgeon found varicose veins behind my uterus. If I had taken the chance and gotten pregnant, the pressure on those veins would have been too much. I probably wouldn’t have survived (Thank you Mayo Clinic!) . 

I always assumed I’d get married and either adopt kids or have them through a surrogate. When I was 28, I married a man who had 3 kids from his first marriage. Being a stepmom was challenging, and I was starting to have “baby fever” and wishing for one of my own. After my hysterectomy, I got depressed. Like, really depressed. I was turning 30, most of my friends were pregnant or had small kids, and I had just had a hysterectomy. I’m sad to say, I started taking it all out on my husband who definitely wondered what had happened to his normally happy and content wife. I finally went to my doctor and asked about antidepressants. She said that with the changes in my body and the circumstances, she didn’t feel the medicine was warranted. She explained that even women with 5 babies grieve after a hysterectomy because of the changes in your body. She also suggested (much to my husband’s dismay) that I get a dog or another pet so I had something to nurture. Being an animal lover, I was thrilled that a doctor told me I needed a pet! On Christmas morning, my dear husband surprised me with an adorable Shiba Inu puppy who has provided a lot of love and has been known to drive me crazy from time to time. 

We looked into adoption and I wanted try surrogacy, but my husband wasn’t as easily convinced. Plus, have you looked at the costs for that stuff? Wow- I’d have to give up shopping and eating if I wanted to save up that much $$! (Neither of those will be happening!) And, as my stepkids grew older, I found myself enjoying them at their respective ages and questioning whether I’d want to have a little kid again. I didn’t love the idea of diapers, car seats, and being woken up in the middle of the night to soothe a baby. 

I can’t pinpoint the exact date or time that I decided I wouldn’t be having children. I know it was sometime between my 34th and 35th birthday. Maybe it was when my oldest stepdaughter turned 18 and was getting ready to graduate and go to college. Maybe it was when we bought a Harley and I realized having a baby would mean we couldn’t go on trips as easily. Whatever it was, I had always assumed if I didn’t have children by age 35, it wouldn’t bother me as much because most of my friends would be done having babies. I figured as I got older, I’d feel more “ready” and be pushing toward adoption or surrogacy. But then I turned 34 and didn’t feel the urge as strongly as I’d felt before. I was happy with my life as it was and didn’t feel the need to change it. 

Do I ever feel sad about not having a kid of my own? Not as much as I thought I would. I have a pretty great life. I have 3 stepkids and I’m fortunate to be involved in their lives and even have a good relationship with my husband’s ex . I have an awesome husband who loves me like crazy and is always up for a spontaneous date night. People ask me all the time if we are going to have more kids or if I regret not having any. I really don’t. Once in awhile, I wonder about “what if?”. Sometimes when I hold a friend’s baby, I think it would be fun to have one to snuggle. Sometimes my dog wakes me up at 3:30 AM and I’m glad I don’t have a baby to wake me up! 

If you are reading this and you want to have kids, by all means, go for it! If you don’t want to have kids, then don’t. And if you’re not sure, that’s ok too! It’s a personal decision and it’s a bigger decision than some people make it out to be. But know this; having kids or not having kids doesn’t make you any less of a woman. I hate the idea that we have to procreate to earn our “woman card” or not to be looked down upon. (That’s a whole ‘nother blog post!) What matters is that you’re a good person and that you’re happy with your life- however you choose to live it.

~Kari

Thank you so much Kari for sharing your story!

I am so proud of you for opening up your life to us!

Our Journey... Part Four

Since writing our first post we have had so many awesome responses AND we even got featured on the Orange City FertilityCare Center's Facebook Page!  You guys are all so amazing and thank you so much for all of the beautiful stories and messages you have sent our way!  

We are so blessed by all of you!

So we are still in our mode of waiting... We are kind of getting good at it actually! 

Ok that is a lie, I am still not very good at it, but my hubby is patient enough for both of us somedays!  Through all of this process even though all of the testing, treatment, talk, all of it, has been about me, I have not actually done anything, mentally, to prepare myself for it all.  I tell myself that I am ready to feel better, I just want it to be over, It is fine, we are fine, it's all good...  But inside I am a complete mess.  I know that this is a burden on us financially, I know that this is going to be hard on my business depending on what we find out, I know that it has been tough on my husband and family emotionally,  I know that my changes I have made in my diet are difficult for my friends to understand, I know, I know, I know.... All of these things are weighing on me and all the oils in the world aren't helping me sleep without thinking about it all.  What if this or what if that?  Why can't I be like this person or that person?  Why us and why not us?  I needed something to help me figure my life out.

I read a book about a year or so ago called Oola: Find Balance in and Unbalanced World.   Since then I have been in love with the concepts in the book and have followed their plan to help find my balance, but the follow through has always been less than stellar!  I had the opportunity last weekend to go to an event called Oolapalooza in Minneapolis and it couldn't have come at a better time.  I wasn't going to go, but the hubby told me I was going, no matter what.  So I went, and he was right.  I needed this more than any other time in my life.  I believe that God works in a very strategic way.  Like a wonderful woman said today "I truly believe that there are no coincidences in life... EVER".  God had this planned all along, he knew that in order for me to have the strength to get through all of this, I needed a plan...  This weekend I made my plan. 

I learned so much about myself and how we all lie to ourselves on a daily basis.  We are not fine, I am not fine, I am angry, I am judgmental, I am not always a good friend, I am terrible at anything related to finances and I put it off like the plague, I am full of guilt for not wanting the type of business that others make me feel like I should have, I feel guilty because I can't make my husband a wonderful father and have to drag him through all of this along with it,  I am carrying so much crap... plain and simple.  There you all have it!  That is me, in a nutshell.  I am a mess, but you know what?  I also have a plan.  I know what I have to do to get out of that mess and get where I want to be for me, for us, and for our future family.  This weekend taught me that this is just where you are, not WHO you are.  I know that I deserve better and those around me deserve better.  

So how does this relate to this situation right now?  Well, it gave me a sense of control where I sort of feel like I don't have any.  My surgery is scheduled for October 6, but that is about the only thing that is certain right now.  I have to have a pre-op ultrasound the day before and based on the measurements of the follicle, that will determine our schedule for our Ultrasound Series.  This will be a series of daily ultrasounds to watch my ovaries and follicles to make sure that I am ovulating and to watch for that dang PCOS diagnosis that they also gave me.  So for the daily ultrasounds, I have to go to Omaha to have them done, that is where my Type A personality wants to know right now when they are and so I can schedule my life around the 5 hour round trip each visit... The other uknown is how significant the Endo is.  This is completely unknown until they actually do the procedure.  Will they be able to get it all at this time? Will I have to return for a robotic surgery in the near future to remove the rest of the endo?  Is the PCOS worse than I am thinking and we need to do something about that as well?  They found on my lab results that I have an underactive thyroid as well (which again, in my head I already knew this!) so what do we do about that?  My labs show  I have low progesterone during my cycle, this could very well be the actual reason for the miscarriage and the endo had nothing to do with it... what do we do about that?   

Again, Patience Melissa... I can hear my husband saying it in my ear as I type! Ha!  

Here is a crazy thing about Endo, symptoms don't always mean crap!  You could have a minuscule amount of endo and have some of the worst pain, extremely heavy cycles, you name it you got it kind of symptoms.  BUT you could also have extensive endo, for example lesions on your colon, adhesions between organs, or even on areas such as your lungs or brain, and have MINIMAL SYMPOMS, with a NORMAL CYCLE!  This is also one of the reasons that it takes so long to be diagnosed!  It reminds me of when I had kidney stones years ago.  Let me tell you, that is some serious pain!!!  But when they removed the stone and showed me how tiny it was, it almost made you angry that it was so small, bc the symptoms you had were so big!  Each body is different and your inflammatory response to the Endo is also different.  Some women's only symptom is infertility.  Some women were diagnosed with IBS, but it was Endo.  I read a testimony of a woman that would get a seizure every time she would have her period because the endo had spread to her brain (which is extremely rare by the way!)   In a way it kind of puts things in perspective that it could be much worse, but it also reminds you that this is your one body you are given in this lifetime, and it is yours.  These are your cards you've been dealt.  How you play them is your choice.  

I had to make a goal this weekend that if you could accomplish one thing and everything else would start to fall into place, what would it be.  But the bigger question in that goal was, what is keeping you from accomplishing it?   My goal was to overcome this and become a mom.  However that is meant to happen for me.  What is keeping you from it?  Some of that answer is uncontrollable, but the scary part of it IS under my control.  Fear... Anger... Guilt... All those same things that I said earlier, I have allowed them to get in the way of this process.   What if it doesn't work?  What if because I was on the pill for so long, I did this to myself?  What if I am a terrible mom?  What if this is Karma?  I realized that the reason that I can't completely be at ease in this is because I have allowed my head to speak louder than my faith.  There is always something bigger at play.  It was no coincidence that my surgery was scheduled for almost a week after this event.  It was no coincidence that this was also happening right around the time that I would've given birth to our baby.  This was all planned as part of this journey.  I needed to accept that this is where we are and that there is a bigger plan.  But I also needed to remember that this Endo Journey is just where I am, it is not WHO I am. 

If you are going through something please remember that, no matter what it is, it does not have to define who you are as a person.  The only thing that can do that is YOU.  What are you going to let define you?  I refuse to let this be me.  I am better than that.  God believes in me more than that and I know that without our miscarriage or any of the other things along the way, we wouldn't be here.  I wouldn't be writing this and hearing from women EVERYWHERE that are also going through the same things.  Be grateful and have faith... That is something that has stuck with me from the first time I read the Oola book and always will.  No matter what you are going through in your life, 

be grateful and have faith.  

Next week is surgery week,  I am ready.  I've got this, whatever they find.  

Want to know more about Oola?

Check out their website www.oolalife.com  

Their mission is to simply change the world with a word.  

We do this by making us better as individuals, and as we become better, our families 

become better, our communities become better, and the world becomes better. 

Oola is a state of awesomeness, I will get there... I am on my way. 

Our Journey... Part Three

Wow!  I have had such an amazing response from so many of you readers!  

It truly makes my heart happy!  I feel that I need to find something in this journey 

that has meaning, and I am starting to believe that my meaning is to help spread

awareness and hope for many other women going through similar situations.

You aren't crazy.  I tell people everyday in my office that you know 

your body better than anyone else could ever expect to... trust it. 

I know that some of you have been hanging on the edge of your seats for part 3, so here goes! lol!

Ok, so where was I?   Oh yeah... I knew... 

I walked out of the appointment and my head was spinning.  I was sad, distraught, confused, and most of all angry.  I told myself when I did this blog that I wasn't going to sugarcoat any of it.  So I should say that I was seriously PISSED.   I wasn't angry with Dr. Hanson at all, for the first time I had found a doctor that was honest and real, as well as more caring than any other I had ever met.  I was angry because I knew.  I knew that I had endometriosis.  I had known it for years and just took the doctors words for it.  I had almost all of the symptoms.

Now remember, most of these symptoms fall under a category that we all call PMS.  I would like to say that I truly believe that PMS is NOT NORMAL!  I believe that it is a symptom of underyling issues, most often hormone imbalances.  Also remember that most of these symptoms are occurring constantly during a woman's month, but they are exacerbated when they get their period.  Let me tell you, YOU AREN'T CRAZY.  The cramps are real and they are severe, the headaches are there, the mood swings, the extremely heavy flow, the food cravings, the skin rashes... all of it is real.  I remember wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out.  A cold, dark, quiet hole that served Excedrin as needed.  I believe you, I feel sorry for you, and I hope that you can have enough strength to not take "it's normal" as your answer anymore.  You deserve better.

So what exactly is Endometriosis anyway?  Why should we care?  Never heard of it?  

That is why we should care!  

This IS a big deal!  10 years on average for a diagnosis?!  This shouldn't be happening!

Sorry guys, don't want to sound "sexist" but if this was happening to men, we would be all over it!

Why is this not a big deal?  Why are we, as women, continually told to repress our bodies?  That our bodies will continually let us down and cause us pain, and that is just normal?

I don't relieve it and I refuse to take that as an answer any longer!

NO CURE... That is so incredibly scary.

But, we do have options and that brings us to now...

So here we are.  Waiting.  6 months I thought would be forever, but it has gone so quickly.  During that time, we continued to chart and to meet with Kari to go over what we were finding.  Also during this time we were talking with Pope Paul VI in Omaha regarding preparing for surgery.  They were extremely helpful and thorough, making sure we understood what to expect as per the surgery as well as the costs.  They let us know what things are likely not going to be covered by insurance and why (I could write a whole post on how our insurance industry is letting women down in this country, but I will save that for sometime when I have nothing else to write about! ha!)  

We also got a name for our doctor,  Dr. Pakiz.  I have heard wonderful things about her from other women who have worked with her.  As much as I loved Dr. Hanson, I am so happy to have a woman to doctor with.  Personally it makes me more comfortable.  After signing our lives away for surgery we also had to do our Complete Hormone Panel lab draws, he had to do his thing (you all know what that is) again, and at this very moment we are awaiting the start of my new cycle to begin our trips to Omaha for our Ovulation Daily Ultrasound Series.  We are hoping that it will fall during the time we are in Omaha for Surgery.   OH!  I just realized, I never told you all the date of the surgery!  OCTOBER 6!  It feels surreal!  I has come so quickly, but yet also at the perfect time for me to wrap my head around what is happening and to prepare our lives for some time away from work.  Both of us owning our own businesses makes it very difficult to be away at the same time, but John just keeps telling me not to worry, he has it all figured out.  Ok, I trust you ;)  

So like I said before, NO CURE. Here is where our surgery comes in. NaPro Technology's website states that "surgical removal of endometriosis carries with it the best chance for success, both in terms of pain relief and in subsequent pregnancies. However, if the surgeon is not adequately trained to be able to provide a good surgical approach which will remove the endometriosis while preventing subsequent adhesions, the chances for success are quite limited." NaPro Technology gives us that trained surgeon. They use what is known as Near Contact Laparoscopy. This allows them to see the most minute Endo that regular laparoscopy would very likely miss. They also use an excision technique that not only removes the surface lesions, but removes the lesions deep into the tissue while reducing the risk of adhesions and recurrence. 

 I will be having a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and hysterosalpingogram performed on the 6th. They can not tell me the severity of my Endo until after the surgery is complete. It is not able to be seen on ultrasound, films, or even pelvic exams. This surgery will determine if there is need for further surgery (if the endo is extensive...) and also if there is anything else to be concerned about relating to my uterus and fallopian tubes. Oh and did I forget to mention that they take a video of the entire surgery? During our follow-up with Dr. Pakiz, she will walk us through the surgery and explain everything that they see and do!

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE WAITED 6 MONTHS!

Is there still risk of it returning? Yes.

Am I afraid of not knowing what they are going to find? Oh lord yes.

Do I have faith that no matter what, we are in the right place? yes, YeS, and more YES.

So now we do just a little bit more waiting. 

My husband says I need to learn patience, so maybe there is something else to learn from all of this...

To be continued... yet again!

Our Journey... Part Two.

Even with all of those feelings I was having, I was also determined to follow my heart.  I was determined to get myself well and find out what was really going on in my body.  I felt that the road we were on was not working and there had to be a better way...  A better journey...

Determined... that is exactly what I was.  I was not going to lie down and give up, nor was I going to sit back and ride the ride.  I needed to feel like I was in control and that my doctor wanted to figure out the cause of my concerns as much as I did.  

After our miscarriage, we had a follow-up with our OB.  We were very devastated and at a complete loss for where to go next.  We felt as though this was an everyday occurrence to him.  I do not say that to sound angry with him, but I do say it because I feel that this IS something our doctors are seeing so often that they start to also become numb to the pain of what their patients are feeling.  He basically said he was sorry, we should return for a follow-up in a month or so, and that they would call me with my lab results (I requested to have a full thyroid panel performed as well as a full hormone panel run).  He also told us that we had two options to think about, we could go back on the Clomid or we could get a referral for a Reproductive Endocrinologist...  Seriously?  Those are our only options?  Clomid... the drug that made me a crazy person and did NOT help us get pregnant.  Or a referral to a doctor that was likely going to discuss IVF as the next option even though we had just recently gotten pregnant on our own?  

I was confused, my husband was frustrated, and we were both done... There had to be something better.  There had to be some kind of reason for what was going on and someone willing to help us figure it out.  We both knew that even if we did get pregnant and have a healthy child, my cycles and body were still a far cry from normal.  We decided to find another option... I scoured journal articles, blogs, websites, threads, and anything I could find.  I was looking at local hospitals that had OB care and came across one not far from us.  Orange City Area Health System.  They had a phenomenal OB wing of their hospital and I had many recommendations to see them.  I just wasn't sure they were going to be any different.  Then I found it.  I found Orange City FertilityCare Center.  I started looking through their facebook posts and read about NaPro Technology,  all this time I just felt that this was it! This is what we have been looking for!   "Treating underlying conditions to help naturally enhance a woman's fertility."  I told my husband about it and he said to make an appointment, let's do this.  We were feeling a glimmer of hope before we even made the appointment.  I messaged them and made an appointment for the next month.

I didn't really know what to expect, but I was hopeful.  We met with our Creighton Model Practitioner and learned everything that you should ever need to know about the female and male reproductive system.  The hubby was thrilled haha!  But you know me, that kind of stuff doesn't phase me in the least.  We did both comment that it is something they should be teaching in schools for Sex Ed instead of teaching about Birth Control and Condoms.  There were so many things that I didn't even know about as an adult, and had I known these things when I was 12 years old I truly believe I would be on a whole different journey today!  We learned about how the birth control pill actually works... let me tell you, NEVER AGAIN.  Morally, ethically, NO, it is definitely not for us.  After our introductory class we were given homework to read before our next visit.  This was homework to help teach us how to chart our cycles.  You heard that right, OUR CYCLES.  Something that really resonated with me and I remember very vividly is when she talked about how this is OUR FERTILITY, not mine, not his. OURS.  Without my husband I am infertile, without me he is infertile, we are only able to be fertile when joined together.  We were in this together and both carry the responsibilities on this journey.  I stinking LOVE THAT!  Seriously!  I mean how true is that?!  

At our first class after the intro session, we met with Kari.  She has been our lifesaver on this journey.  We are so incredibly lucky to have met her and have her teaching us.  This is when we starting learning to chart our cycle.  Now, this is going to sound a little scary to some of you, but I was ready, whatever I have to do I am in!  With the Creighton Model you learn to chart your cervical mucus.  Yep, you read that right, say it with me... cervical mucus... it isn't really as scary as it sounds.  I mean come on ladies, every time you go to the bathroom you wipe, now you just have to wipe before AND after as well as look at the tissue to determine what it looks like.  They teach you what each thing you see means and how to chart it.  It is a lot to learn at first, but it has become habit and I don't often have to even think about it.  We were told that after a few cycles of charting we would be able to get an idea of what was going on inside my body.  Not only will we learn that, but we will also know when is the best and worst times to get pregnant based on your chart.  This can also be used when trying to NOT achieve pregnancy!  Also, guess what?  ZERO SIDE EFFECTS of this form of "birth control."  I hate to call it that, because it really is not that, but it an essence it is!  When done correctly it has over 99% success rates!  I was shocked that I didn't even know about this!  Why are they not teaching this to young women?!  The pill teaches us nothing, but gives us a "sense" of security.  With Creighton Model, you are in control of your reproductive health!  Not only that, you are able to see so much more information about your body than you would normally see!  

OK OK, I promise to do a post about charting and what it is, and all that jazz, but back to our journey!

We charted for I believe 2 months and had a referral to see a Napro Certified Physician at Orange City Hospital.  This is it, this is what we have been waiting for... I was so nervous that day we walked into the room.  What is he going to say?  What does my chart say?  What does it all mean?  John, my husband, was there with me, but I could tell he was also nervous.  Dr. Hanson had a copy of my chart and all of my health history information.  He came in and I was immediately at ease.  He was so incredibly caring, we need more physicians like him!  We honestly thought that we were going to start progesterone testing because from what we saw on the chart, I had low progesterone.  This would be an "easy fix", take progesterone to get your levels up, will help regulate your cycles and also help decrease chances of miscarriage.  The wind came out of our sails rather quickly when Dr. Hanson uttered three words... Endometriosis and Surgical Referral...  I didn't know what to say... He said based on my charting and my symptoms he is sure that I have endometriosis and possibly PCOS. 

Now what?  

Well... then came the rest of it... 6 month wait for surgery...

Can we go anywhere else sooner? We will drop everything and just go!  But his answer was real and honest.  No.  Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha is the best of the best and there is nowhere else he would recommend.  If I was his wife or daughter he would say the same thing... ok, Omaha it is.  I sat there with tears in my eyes and the rest of the appt was much a blur.  He talked to me about things I needed to do prior to surgery to help.  He talked about diet changes to help with the inflammation, don't gain weight or it will get worse, but losing weight could help the symptoms... He gave us hope amidst my sadness.  I mean come on people, I KNEW that thinking progesterone was the only problem was a shot in the dark.  I knew that there was more to it.  And I also wasn't that surprised when he said endometriosis.  I knew, I had asked my doctors for YEARS if that is what it could be and they all gave me the same answer... No Way.  Just stay on the pill, it'll fix your problem... mmhmm... yep... I just did what they said, like I was a puppet on a string.   

I knew...  Dang It... (to be continued... again...)

Life is a Journey... and it ain't always pretty

Well, I look back and I have not been here since 2014!  

Life has definitely flown by in the last few years!  

Just a little update on our lives:

•  I am still at my office and truly love my passion for helping people get well.
• I still am a Wildtree Representative and love using their products daily in our kitchen.
• I am also still a Young Living Distributor but more than that, I am an Oil Addict...
• John is now the owner of his own business and keeping very busy.
• Jack and Penny are still driving us crazy on a daily basis and are still escape artists!
• We are on an infertility journey that we never expected to be on.  That is where we start...

Over the next few weeks I will be writing regarding what has brought us to this point, 

but today I want to begin with May 2015...

This is the day that I decided I wanted to take control of my own fertility... or so I thought.  I had been having a lot of female related problems for years, but they had gotten much worse over the past few months.  I remember having a period so heavy and intense that when my husband came home from work I was sitting in the chair in a complete daze.  He was worried, said I was incredibly pale and for him to worry was the last draw for me.  I made an appointment the next day to see my doctor.  

I met with  my doctor, who referred me to another physician and so the fertility journey begins.  I was informed that I had 2 options, become pregnant or go on birth control (again).  I knew that I would not be going back on BC, after so many years of being on it and the horrible effects it had on my mood, I just couldn't do it again.  I also felt that it just wasn't the right thing for me.  We had also been trying for quite some time to get pregnant but to no avail.  I was tracking my temps, ovulation, and my symptoms like a hawk, but something wasn't right.  I was not ovulating... at least not when I was "supposed" to be according to my charting (more on that another time!).  My doctor decided that I should try Clomid, so we did.  We jumped through the hoops, just like anyone else would feeling like this is your only shot at the one thing that you want more than anything else in the world.  Let me tell you though, Clomid is not for the faint of heart.  It made me angry, I mean really angry, depressed, uncomfortable in my own skin, my hair fell out, my face broke out, my body was a disaster, and I gained 12 lbs in the first 2 months.  I have not considered myself "overweight" until my doctor decided to put me on a different medication on month 4, because I was now in a higher BMI bracket.  (Due to the Clomid mind you!!!)  We did all of the meds as directed for 4 months.  Did they work? Technically Yes!  But ultimately NO, because they were not treating any cause, just effects.  Did I ovulate, Yes.  Did I get pregnant, No.  Were the side effects worth it? In my mind, for me. No. 

After month 4 I just couldn't do it any longer.  I had this feeling in my gut that there was something else going on.  The fact that I am not ovulating at 32 years old was not ok with me.  I also was not ok with believing that my heavy periods, intense cramps, constipation, diarrhea, and mood swings (to name a few) were "normal."  I just wasn't buying it.  As a woman, I knew my body and knew that there was something else going on that was not being addressed.  So we took a break to get healthy again.  I did a lot of research and started taking better care of myself again.  I was eating right, taking some supplements to help enhance my fertility and I was continuing my charting.   

We get through the holidays, which was NOT easy on my diet, let me tell you!  But I was determined to prove my doctor wrong, to prove that I could get pregnant without Clomid.  And guess what?!  We did!  We got pregnant in December.  I remember taking the first test, I always took them, but honestly never knew when I was considered "late" since my cycles were so abnormal.  I glanced at it as I went to throw it away (I just assumed it was negative like every other one) and holy moly, it was positive!  It was only faint, but it was there!  I waited a few days and did it again.  POSITIVE!  I was so excited, and scared, and more excited.  We both were!  I was right, I didn't need the medications, I could do this!  Then everything changed in a few short weeks...

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I started spotting... waited a day for it to stop, but it didn't.  Called the doctor, he wanted an ultrasound that day, we went in and they confirmed that we were indeed pregnant!  Spotting can be normal in some pregnancies is what we were told, but if it gets worse to call.  Well this was Friday and by Sunday it was definitely worse.  I was in a lot of pain and the bleeding was intense.  Visited the doctor again on Monday and my HCG levels were dropping.  Needless to say, the doctor tried to be optimistic, but I knew... I just knew this was a miscarriage.  I was so devastated.  I cried constantly for days.  Everything we wanted, gone... we felt jipped.  You have all of those questions...  Why me?  What did we do wrong?  What happened?  Why Why Why? I still feel all those questions.  I would have been due September 14.  This miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  To be told that you very likely won't get pregnant without help, to having it happen without it, to having that joy ripped away so quickly... it sucks... no better way to say it.  I was sad, angry, frustrated, and most of all very depressed.  I remember feeling like people were going to judge, saying "but you were only 6 weeks, you weren't "really" pregnant yet"  But to anyone that says that, you sir, are a jerk.  The moment that you find out that you are pregnant, the moment that test is positive, you see it on ultrasound, you are pregnant.  Just because that child could not survive being born makes it no less of a child, and it makes you no less of a parent.  I will never get to see, hold, or know my first child.  That is a very sad fact, as it is for so many other mothers and fathers out there.  A fact that breaks my heart.  

 

Even with all of those feelings I was having, I was also determined to follow my heart.  I was determined to get myself well and find out what was really going on in my body.  I felt that the road we were on was not working and there had to be a better way...  A better journey...
(to be continued...)